To anyone who can help:
I have a friend, Jeff. Jeffrey the Wolf to give him his full title.
Jeff doesn't like rain, telephones or toothpicks. He once had an accident with a toothpick while on the phone, discussing the rain. This left Jeff with only one eye. This eye, I can see at night, in the street. It shines like a new fifty pence piece. Bright and piercing.
I have never met Jeff but he comes into my house when I am at work and leaves me messages on my bathroom mirror. He likes to leave me interesting facts. Once, he wrote: "did you know, there is cyanide in apples?". I did not know that.
I also find hair on the floor of my bathroom. I guess Jeff likes to use the bathroom because the woods tend not to have this manner of amenities. I don't mind but he does steal my toothbrush everyday. I now hide my toothbrush but invariably i forget where i hid it so just use my finger and my plugs are constantly blocked with his coarse hairs. I have left a return message to Jeff on the mirror asking him: "Dear Jeff, please can you unblock the plugs after use." He wrote back: "Fuck you." and left a polished turd on my bathroom floor. It was literally a polished turd. I contemplate how Jeff polished this turd every night before bed. I have come to the conclusion that Jeff likes to drink Brasso or he has a sander in his rectum.
I'm not scared of Jeff. We are just like two ships in the night. I leave crackers and cheese on a plate for him in the front room but he never touches them. I think he doesn't venture into the front room because the telephone resides there. Poor Jeff. Maybe I will move it.
Last week I noticed a suit and tie missing from my wardrobe. Maybe Jeff had a job interview? I'm not sure and there has been no trace of Jeff since. I really liked that suit. Please, if you see a shining, fifty-pence one-eyed, suit wearing wolf answering to the name of Jeff can you ask him to call me, or well write? Or visit? I will leave the front door open.
I have crackers and cheese for your endeavours.
Many thanks.
