my eyes opened
head under the pillow.
what would be out there?
i waited.
didn't want to know.
drafts attacked all night;
my tucking repelled them -
cavernous night time retreat.
what would be out there?
probably cold.
cold like you can't imagine.
digs into your bone.
pain to weep for.
silently, alone.
in the bathroom
cheap soap frozen.
anchored to the sink
same for the toothpaste
blow torch might shift it.
filthy for school again.
"no money for 'leki or gas"
mum said; or food.
margarine for breakfast
on a cracker - if im lucky
hunger like you can't imagine.
digs into your bone.
pain to weep for.
silently, alone.
what would be out there?
not my brother,
the only happy part.
he disappeared
don't know where
but he's gone;
no one tells me why.
we'd take baths together
until the day i did a shit.
we laughed. not anymore.
miss him like you can't imagine.
digs into your bone.
pain to weep for.
silently, alone.
stole some money -
chocolate eclair fund
or maybe a fudge
not desperate dan bar though.
nearly died last time.
hospital for ages.
doctor stuck a thumb up my bum
said i was very sick
nil by mouth
Needles in my arm
torment like you can't imagine.
digs into your bone.
pain to weep for.
silently, alone.
arguments are always out there
tucking never stops it
or the pillow on my head.
mums moans from
fucking or being beaten up.
Number 3 scares me.
i have to call him dad -
mine ran away.
I will run away too.
Take my chocolate fund.
freedom like you can't imagine.
digs into your bone.
relief to weep for.
silently, alone.
I think i'll stay
a little longer.
i know what's out there.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
untitled
The cold was so exacting.
I was a dead branch
On a petrified, stiff tree;
People hung from me.
Lying above Icelandic snow
With the departed.
Life overcast, shadowy grey;
God left me that day.
I was a dead branch
On a petrified, stiff tree;
People hung from me.
Lying above Icelandic snow
With the departed.
Life overcast, shadowy grey;
God left me that day.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The search for a Unified theory - An argument in connecting the external to the internal self during childhood
It seems to me that there is in this life a big problem; we are looking to somehow get rid of our solitude to share the external lonely world with someone ie a relationship but at the same time keep our internal freedoms ie our consciousness. This is a quandary that niggled at philosophers for a long time as it is a paradox.
We are always looking for ways to connect the external world with the world inside our heads - this isn't technically possible. We are ultimately alone inside our heads. We were born alone and will die alone. But yet we still strive to connect the two because we want to a) have power over the two and b) not feel so isolated in this world. A way to demonstrate this would be perhaps through physics. In physics there is the quantum (small things) and relative (large objects) that exist in this universe. At the moment there is no way to connect the two.
But there is something that scientists are working on to connect these two parts and so everything in the universe together. It is called the unified theory or string theory. I see this need and search for a unified theory as an epic human and not just scientific question to giving our lives meaning - as we have none to start with.
Where do we look to find this unified theory? I take a similar stance to that of the philosopher Albert Camus, who projected that to find meaning we can either do one of three things: accept that we can never achieve it and commit suicide (i abhor this decision); find a faith, such as religion and take a leap; or accept their is no meaning but start to philosophize and take on knowledge to give yourself a chance to answer this unified question - become totally self aware at all times through knowledge. This is absurdism.
In terms of religion I feel that having a faith can serve a purpose for the human mind but only at the beginning stages of existence. As a small child religion can act as a simplified way to make one think about existential things. In a way to think outside the classical view of the human condition so that you are feeling something that is not physically present. Arguably thinking in the same profound manner as Einstein or Ernst Mach for example, seeing an invisible universe out there that isn't restricted by the fundamental human experience. An easy way to counter the Newtonian curriculum that only seem to be taught to children at school.
As stated previously religion is good for a young mind but this is only up to a certain point. It helps the growing individual to initially develop the concept of a unified link in the brain and in the thought process. The unified link in this way is the faith to connect your consciousness to a shared experience with a god. For the first time we don't feel alone inside our brains and we, falsely for this time, accept this as the actual unified connection.
From this point as you start to grow into adulthood you should start to experience the struggle for life. The struggle for life, as Nietzsche argued, is the most fundamental part of existence and gives us a reason to create a meaning for life through experience - also as Marcel Proust believes (a man who wrote a whooping thirty pages on the difficulty of falling asleep in his epic book "in search of lost time"). Unfortunately this is where things don't go according to plan. Some children in this religious context will simply fail to experience a struggle as they grow into adolescence. The natural angst of growing up is in its self not solely enough to achieve a true struggle. Thus these children who have either been overprotected or overwhelmed due to the community of religion, the bureaucratic protocol and lack of insight from religiously zealot parents will fail to achieve a balanced struggle. These children will then reach adulthood and stay within the confines of religion in order to keep this unified feeling.
Children who were given a religious introduction to life thus helping them at an early age to perceive the unified quandary combined with a strong presence of a life struggle should at some point break away from religion. The struggle for life will give them questions that cannot be fundamentally answered by the unified connection of a religious belief. The "God question" is beyond faith and intuitive knowledge and should be taken up on a empirical and more advanced existential level. To remain true to religion is philosophical suicide.
In society today there is a new breed that is emerging and is the dominant genus of our species - the Capitalist Atheist. This emerging group aren't aware of, or totally ignore the question of unifying the external and internal self and exist only to satisfy their personal ego. They act in this world with Utilitarian values that are intrinsically and solely about self survival, not even altruistically for the species, but only about the individual. The Capitalist Atheist has committed philosophical and spiritual suicide. This group, though not technically committing suicide, existentially might as well have. The children of the Capitalist Atheist - unless experiencing a tremendous life struggle - will find it hard to contemplate existential questions and will, like their parents, pursue a Utilitarian form of life.
Therefore, in order to better achieve an enlightened perception of the unified theory and to establish a more advanced existential thought process one must have had a sufficient life struggle combined with a fundamental grounding in a religious form. I believe that the life struggle is the main factor but religion is a very unique conduit to forming this neurological thought process more easily in young minds but only up to a certain point.
We are always looking for ways to connect the external world with the world inside our heads - this isn't technically possible. We are ultimately alone inside our heads. We were born alone and will die alone. But yet we still strive to connect the two because we want to a) have power over the two and b) not feel so isolated in this world. A way to demonstrate this would be perhaps through physics. In physics there is the quantum (small things) and relative (large objects) that exist in this universe. At the moment there is no way to connect the two.
But there is something that scientists are working on to connect these two parts and so everything in the universe together. It is called the unified theory or string theory. I see this need and search for a unified theory as an epic human and not just scientific question to giving our lives meaning - as we have none to start with.
Where do we look to find this unified theory? I take a similar stance to that of the philosopher Albert Camus, who projected that to find meaning we can either do one of three things: accept that we can never achieve it and commit suicide (i abhor this decision); find a faith, such as religion and take a leap; or accept their is no meaning but start to philosophize and take on knowledge to give yourself a chance to answer this unified question - become totally self aware at all times through knowledge. This is absurdism.
In terms of religion I feel that having a faith can serve a purpose for the human mind but only at the beginning stages of existence. As a small child religion can act as a simplified way to make one think about existential things. In a way to think outside the classical view of the human condition so that you are feeling something that is not physically present. Arguably thinking in the same profound manner as Einstein or Ernst Mach for example, seeing an invisible universe out there that isn't restricted by the fundamental human experience. An easy way to counter the Newtonian curriculum that only seem to be taught to children at school.
As stated previously religion is good for a young mind but this is only up to a certain point. It helps the growing individual to initially develop the concept of a unified link in the brain and in the thought process. The unified link in this way is the faith to connect your consciousness to a shared experience with a god. For the first time we don't feel alone inside our brains and we, falsely for this time, accept this as the actual unified connection.
From this point as you start to grow into adulthood you should start to experience the struggle for life. The struggle for life, as Nietzsche argued, is the most fundamental part of existence and gives us a reason to create a meaning for life through experience - also as Marcel Proust believes (a man who wrote a whooping thirty pages on the difficulty of falling asleep in his epic book "in search of lost time"). Unfortunately this is where things don't go according to plan. Some children in this religious context will simply fail to experience a struggle as they grow into adolescence. The natural angst of growing up is in its self not solely enough to achieve a true struggle. Thus these children who have either been overprotected or overwhelmed due to the community of religion, the bureaucratic protocol and lack of insight from religiously zealot parents will fail to achieve a balanced struggle. These children will then reach adulthood and stay within the confines of religion in order to keep this unified feeling.
Children who were given a religious introduction to life thus helping them at an early age to perceive the unified quandary combined with a strong presence of a life struggle should at some point break away from religion. The struggle for life will give them questions that cannot be fundamentally answered by the unified connection of a religious belief. The "God question" is beyond faith and intuitive knowledge and should be taken up on a empirical and more advanced existential level. To remain true to religion is philosophical suicide.
In society today there is a new breed that is emerging and is the dominant genus of our species - the Capitalist Atheist. This emerging group aren't aware of, or totally ignore the question of unifying the external and internal self and exist only to satisfy their personal ego. They act in this world with Utilitarian values that are intrinsically and solely about self survival, not even altruistically for the species, but only about the individual. The Capitalist Atheist has committed philosophical and spiritual suicide. This group, though not technically committing suicide, existentially might as well have. The children of the Capitalist Atheist - unless experiencing a tremendous life struggle - will find it hard to contemplate existential questions and will, like their parents, pursue a Utilitarian form of life.
Therefore, in order to better achieve an enlightened perception of the unified theory and to establish a more advanced existential thought process one must have had a sufficient life struggle combined with a fundamental grounding in a religious form. I believe that the life struggle is the main factor but religion is a very unique conduit to forming this neurological thought process more easily in young minds but only up to a certain point.
Why I Drink Tea
Sat at the dinner table
I had an overwhelming
Sensation.
An agitation, a sickness
in my stomach -
I needed to pee!
The bathroom - my saviour!
But it didn't help,
The feeling was you...
I can't piss you out.
My kidneys are no good
when it comes to love.
Perhaps if i always need
to wee
I'll be distracted from it,
from you.
Drinking to forget -
My fourth cup of tea already.
I had an overwhelming
Sensation.
An agitation, a sickness
in my stomach -
I needed to pee!
The bathroom - my saviour!
But it didn't help,
The feeling was you...
I can't piss you out.
My kidneys are no good
when it comes to love.
Perhaps if i always need
to wee
I'll be distracted from it,
from you.
Drinking to forget -
My fourth cup of tea already.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Dowling Street - A no through road.
Italian music
sweeps along, as a
small boy plays.
Another sits,
staring -
empty spaces,
preoccupied, on a
Quiet tree-lined street.
A no through road.
Hidden,
office blocks, towers
and landmarks,
a towering city scape
one side;
while the seedy, grime-ridden
debauchery of King's Cross
looms above.
A no through road.
Screeches of cockatoos
echoing at intervals
in their Jurassic manner.
Occasional train
flickers past.
Track at one end,
sports court the other.
Cross road in the middle.
A no through road.
The Fitzroy stands there.
Easy flow of beer and
folk ballads emanating
from within -
beleaguered but
charming façade.
Barman was the fastest swimmer in Australia,
once.
A no through road.
A small child bids his mother
adieu, as she leaves in her car.
Leaning precariously from an open
window, he blows her love-filled kisses.
A most beautiful goodbye.
Sporadically he returns
greeting all those that pass by -
happy young lad.
A no through road.
My prejudice,
a yearning for
the quiet bustle and
dishevelled nature
of human edginess,
temporarily placated.
I could remain forever
fermenting in my intoxication.
Dowling Street – A no through road.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Notebook
You are my shield,
Always around.
Creating,
Protecting.
My best friend,
Helping me.
I tell you stories.
You just listen.
Every detail;
Each emotion;
Catalogued;
Acknowleged.
You understand
When others,
Blankly,
Stare.
Your pages
Stained,
Sometimes ketchup -
Mostly tears.
We can be pragmatic:
Grocery lists,
Bank details
And flight times.
But it's when I feel low,
Naked and
Vulnerable
You work best.
I sit in a corner,
By a beach
Or in a park
And we talk.
I find it hard at times
To tell you what I feel -
(When we go for a beer
It helps).
I like your blank sheets,
I wish that was me.
No words.
Should happen one day.
Always around.
Creating,
Protecting.
My best friend,
Helping me.
I tell you stories.
You just listen.
Every detail;
Each emotion;
Catalogued;
Acknowleged.
You understand
When others,
Blankly,
Stare.
Your pages
Stained,
Sometimes ketchup -
Mostly tears.
We can be pragmatic:
Grocery lists,
Bank details
And flight times.
But it's when I feel low,
Naked and
Vulnerable
You work best.
I sit in a corner,
By a beach
Or in a park
And we talk.
I find it hard at times
To tell you what I feel -
(When we go for a beer
It helps).
I like your blank sheets,
I wish that was me.
No words.
Should happen one day.
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